NEAR COMMON SENSE

After long and serious thought, I realize that people who hold the kinds of attitudes as I do are standing in the way of real SOCIAL PROGRESS. It is high time for this writer and other stupid Conservatives to come into the 21st century and leave all of those REACTIONARY ideas behind. It is high time that USIANS accept that health care is a GOVERNMENT GIVEN right. I have no doubt at all that the very first thing President Obama or President Clinton will do will be to get the new Democratic controlled Congress to pass universal, FREE health care for all USIANS.

We will have to CHANGE how we view health care once the government takes it over. Since we will all be paying for one another’s health care, we must demand that the government do everything in its unlimited power to protect us from threats to our health care system. The very first thing that the government must do to protect us from ourselves is to outlaw the growing, processing and use of tobacco. All smokers, like me, need to be rounded up and sent to re-education centers where they can treat us with electric shock therapy and/or lobotomies to cure us of our nicotine addictions. The government can cover the cost of this re-education by seizing the assets of “big tobacco” and the personal wealth of the tobacco company executives who should be executed for crimes against humanity.

Now, to make sure that all USIANS are forever safe from the evil of tobacco, the government should deploy the “Screaming Eagles”, the 101st Airborne to the tobacco growing regions of our nation to destroy all growing tobacco, all tobacco greenhouses and all of the tobacco curing sheds. The government should seize all of the assets of the tobacco growers and processors and execute these villains for crimes against humanity.

Once tobacco has been eliminated from USIAN life, the government can turn to the next biggest health threat, which is obesity. Fat people, like me, should be put on diets where we will only be fed the North Korean bark and grass pellets that have no nutritional value at all. Those of us who cannot reach our idea Body Mass Index within 60 days will have to be sent to re-education centers where they can treat us with electric shock therapy and/or lobotomies until we no longer want to over eat. The government can pay for this by giving the North Koreans 4 or 5 light water nuclear reactors and by seizing all of the assets of “Big Fast Food” and that of their corporate executives and execute – you know the drill.

To keep us safe from the evils of artery clogging MacDonald’s-like burgers and other horrible foods, we should demand that the government out-law fast food restaurants and move to protect us from the empty calories of soda pop and junk foods. We should demand that the government outlaw soda pop and junk food and seize all of the assets of MacDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Pepsico, Frito-Lay and all other junk food corporations and execute these corporate “fat cats” for crimes against humanity.

Because we have shown that we are incapable of making intelligent choices for ourselves, the government should take control of food allocation in the United States. It just isn’t FAIR that some USIANS have more to eat than others, and government inventory management can ensure that this never happens again. The total inventory of available food in the US should be equally divided among all USIANS, with no one getting any more food than anyone else. Highly trained government nutritionists will be responsible for meal planning for all of us and highly trained government logistic specialists will make sure that our individual, daily allocation of food is delivered to every household in the country. There is no room for individual tastes and preferences – every USIAN will be expected to eat their allocation of healthy, perfectly balanced, perfectly proportioned government provided food every day. Persons who cannot, or will not, eat the food provided will be sent to re-education centers where they can treat us with electric shock therapy and/or lobotomies until we are willing to eat whatever the government provides us.

We all know that exercise is critically important to staying healthy. The government should order every company employing more than 5 people to provide a complete cardio-vascular exercise area and to give all of their employees an hour and a half of paid time every day to exercise and shower after exercising. Companies employing fewer than 5 people will be required to pay health club memberships for their employees and to provide paid time for exercising, showering and traveling to and from the gym.

I’m really excited about how all of this will CHANGE and improve life for all USIANS. I just cannot believe that it has taken me so long to come to my senses! Yeppir! FREE health care is long overdue in this mean, evil, capitalist country. In just a few years we should be able to have a HEALTH CARE SYSTEM just as good as that of the PEOPLE’S PARADISE OF CUBA. I can hardly wait!

APRIL FOOL!!